Ok, So why the site?
Well, as a fledging queerlet, I have been running up against a few…issues. I know the statement I am about to make will be, for some, reason to disinherit me from the community, while others may either applaud (and identify) or not even bat an eyelash: I am a 23-year-old sexually unsatisfied woman, who no longer wishes to be a lesbian. Now, that’s a loaded and possibly confusing statement…let me explain.
Recently, I have reentered the dating came, and have been deeply considering two things. For one, I have been bombarded by women, who have been questioning my allegiance to woman, based on my looks. Regardless of being what some call a Gold Star Lesbian, apparently my appearance speaks louder than my emotions, thoughts and actions. Also, I have been considering that in the sexual relations that I have had in the last three years, I have had approx. three non-self-induced orgasms. Where these realizations have let me is thinking about my identity and my body, and whether I am engaging both in a way that works for me.
Until recently, I have been quite timid about voicing my dissatisfaction with both my perceived (and I guess performed identity) and sexual encounters. This is in part due to me feeling like it is my fault. Even though I have never slept with a man, a couple of times, I have thought to myself, “yeah, maybe I would like to give it a go.” Or feeling a little awkward being someone either considered a super femme (or not even queer) for rocking pink and mini-skirts, while secretly wanting to know what it would feel like packing for a day, using a strap-on during intercourse or even finding some straight porn arousing. I feel like voicing any of those things would give people reason to try to define me harder a total lipstick lez or a straight girl, who needs her heterosexual cherry popped. I know I shouldn’t care, but let’s be honest, it’s hard enough having the world narrowly define you without having the community (a term/idea that I find a little too over-reaching) judge you as confused, pseudo, etc.
So, going back to this blog, within the heading of this blog “little warm death” (which was as close as I could get to La Petite Mort or Little Death, a.k.a orgasm) is a dual meaning. One is that of pleasurable release and exploration of sexual desire, while the other is doing violence to the narrow ways in which we are encouraged to think about desire and ourselves. What I am aiming for with this heading is to explore my (and others) identifying and sexual desires, without feeling as though there is a tight restriction on the appropriate thoughts, desires, actions that I (or others) are suppose have.
According to theorist Georges Bataille, “the main function of all taboos is to combat violence,” which means that things that have challenged or have the potential to challenge established societal or communal beliefs have been simply labeled as not only bad, but as unacceptable acts that are guilty by persecution. Furthermore, he says that eroticism not only comes from the deepest unmediated part of a person, but that by it very raw nature of exposing an inner being, does absolute violence to a society’s or group’s rigid structures…let’s do some damage.
